Do you ever feel like you should have taken a different direction in life?
I have been thinking a lot about my life over the past few days. One of those "if I knew then what I know now" moments of sorts.
I messed up a lot in high school, heck, who am I kidding...I don't even really remember high school. I couldn't tell you my teacher's names, who I hung out with, where I went, what I did. I do have a lot of memories, but more times than not someone will say to me "hey do you remember?" and I don't. I also spent from age 14-16 in Charter (residential facility).
I will never forget the day I told my mom I wanted to go to college. She looked at me and told me I was "to stupid" to go. Little did she know that every time I would come up against something those words would ring in my ears "to stupid". I would give up before I even started, not having confidence in what I was trying to do.
Another thing she would tell me was I was "to fat" to attract any decent man and I better take the first one I could get. I am not saying that marrying my husband was wrong but those words "to fat" continue to ring in my ears, so I married the first guy who I could really marry. You know, had a job and could support me and buy me a ring. Over the years we have had many beautiful babies...and I have gained a lot of weight, now I am "to fat"
There is so much I wanted to do in life that I gave up on because of 4 little words said by 1 person. The hurt is still deep within me. I won't say I haven't done anything with my life because I have 11 wonderful blessings, have been able to home school them, and my oldest just got married. I have been married to the same man for 19 years. I however haven't done anything with my life beyond my home. I wanted to join the Army...to late, I wanted to be a doctor...to late. When do the words stop effecting me and it stop becoming to late? When do I actually get to do something for me? I feel so selfish for feeling this way, yet at the same time I feel like I will burst if I don't.
